! IRISH JOKES ! THERE ONLY JOKES ! SEX JOKES !NOT NICE JOKES BUT FUNNY !
!Jokes!
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IRISH JOKES
3 Irishmen in a bar. Paddy says "My local's better than this. In my local, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd's free" Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free" Murphy says, "That's nothin'. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get a shag. "WOW," says the other two. "Has that actually happened to you?". "No," says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister."
Paddy goes to America for the first time. Walking up 5th Avenue he sees a building on fire & rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. He shouts up, "I'm Paddy John Dara O'Neill, an Irish rugby player, jump & I'll catch ya."
A girl jumps out & Paddy catches her. A guy jumps & Paddy gets him too. A black guy jumps & Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, "Come on now folks, there's no point throwin' down the burnt ones!"
Paddy asks Mick to guess the odd one out: a. egg
b. wife
c. blowjob
Mick says "thats easy the answer is blowjob", Paddy asks," how do u work that out Mick?" Mick replies, "you can beat an egg, you can beat your wife but you can't beat a blowjob"
Paddy & his wife discussin sex: I want 2 try dat wheelbarrow position 2 night he sez. Wat da hell is dat asks his wife. U bend over, hands on da floor, I pick ur legs up & shag ya from behind sez Paddy. 'I'll do it on 2 conditions' she sez, 'if it hurts ye stop straight away, & secondly we dont go past my mother's house'
Two Irishmen are making letter bombs. Pat says, "Do you think I've put enough explosives in this envelope?". "Dunno", says Mick, "open it and see!". "But it will explode!" says Pat. Mick says "Dont be stupid - it's not addressed to you!"
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with Mick when a lorry went past, loaded with rolls of turf. Paddy says "That's what i'm gunna do when I win the Lottery". "What's that Paddy?" asks Mick, "Send me lawn away to be cut"
Paddy tells Mick he's thinkin of buying a labrador. Fuck off say's Mick. "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a blonde in a mini skirt. He soon realises she is commando. R u looking at my fanny she asks. Yes i'm very sorry says paddy. Its ok, she says its very talented you know.watch this i can make it blow u a kiss and wink at u. He stares in amazement as the fanny first blows him a kiss then winks at him. She says would u like to stick 2 fingers in it. . . . ? Fuckin hell he says - can it whistle as well.. . .
Paddy decides to take up boxing, he goes to the Dr for the required medical. A few days later the Dr phones. 'Paddy' he says 'youve got sugar diabetes'. Paddy says 'ok, when do l fight the black cunt?'
Paddy and his wife are in bed being kept awake by next doors dog barking outside in the garden... 'Ive had enough of this' says Paddy and marches off downstairs. He comes back 5mins later and his wife asks what have you done? Paddy says 'Ive put the dog in our garden... See how they Fuckin like it!
An irish bloke takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall, Paddy says Its my speaking clock ! How does it work? I'll show you, and he hits it full pelt with a claw hammer, And a voice from next door yells"For fucks sake you cunt its twenty to three in the morning.!!
Taffy, Jock & Paddy are chatting. Taffy says, "women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive"! Jock says, "that's nothing, my wife's on a diet &she's not even fat"! Paddy says, "that's fuck all, my wife has taken 30 condoms to Benidorm & she hasn't even got a cock"!!
!Sing a song of shamrocks! Dance an Irish jig! Pour yourself a hearty drink + take a healthy swig! Tell a tale of leprechauns! Drape urself in green, and have the best St Paddys day the world has ever seen. Beannachtai la le Padraig.
Mick says 2 Paddy " close ur bloody curtain next time ur shagging tha brains out ur missus. All the neighbours were pissing themselves laughing @ u yesterday"!
"Well" said Paddy. " The laugh is on them nosey bastards cuz I wasn't even fuckin in last night!
Little irish boy crying. Passing woman asks "Whats wrong?" Boy replies "Me ma is dead'
Oh jaysus' says the woman, d'ya want me to get Father O'reilly?' No tanks, replies the boy, sex is de last ting on me mind roight now!.
Paddy goes to America for the first time. Walking up 5th Avenue he sees a building on fire & rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. He shouts up, "I'm Paddy John Dara O'Neill, an Irish rugby player, jump & I'll catch ya."
A girl jumps out & Paddy catches her. A guy jumps & Paddy gets him too. A black guy jumps & Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, "Come on now folks, there's no point throwin' down the burnt ones!"
Paddy asks Mick to guess the odd one out: a. egg
b. wife
c. blowjob
Mick says "thats easy the answer is blowjob", Paddy asks," how do u work that out Mick?" Mick replies, "you can beat an egg, you can beat your wife but you can't beat a blowjob"
Paddy & his wife discussin sex: I want 2 try dat wheelbarrow position 2 night he sez. Wat da hell is dat asks his wife. U bend over, hands on da floor, I pick ur legs up & shag ya from behind sez Paddy. 'I'll do it on 2 conditions' she sez, 'if it hurts ye stop straight away, & secondly we dont go past my mother's house'
Two Irishmen are making letter bombs. Pat says, "Do you think I've put enough explosives in this envelope?". "Dunno", says Mick, "open it and see!". "But it will explode!" says Pat. Mick says "Dont be stupid - it's not addressed to you!"
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with Mick when a lorry went past, loaded with rolls of turf. Paddy says "That's what i'm gunna do when I win the Lottery". "What's that Paddy?" asks Mick, "Send me lawn away to be cut"
Paddy tells Mick he's thinkin of buying a labrador. Fuck off say's Mick. "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a blonde in a mini skirt. He soon realises she is commando. R u looking at my fanny she asks. Yes i'm very sorry says paddy. Its ok, she says its very talented you know.watch this i can make it blow u a kiss and wink at u. He stares in amazement as the fanny first blows him a kiss then winks at him. She says would u like to stick 2 fingers in it. . . . ? Fuckin hell he says - can it whistle as well.. . .
Paddy decides to take up boxing, he goes to the Dr for the required medical. A few days later the Dr phones. 'Paddy' he says 'youve got sugar diabetes'. Paddy says 'ok, when do l fight the black cunt?'
Paddy and his wife are in bed being kept awake by next doors dog barking outside in the garden... 'Ive had enough of this' says Paddy and marches off downstairs. He comes back 5mins later and his wife asks what have you done? Paddy says 'Ive put the dog in our garden... See how they Fuckin like it!
An irish bloke takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall, Paddy says Its my speaking clock ! How does it work? I'll show you, and he hits it full pelt with a claw hammer, And a voice from next door yells"For fucks sake you cunt its twenty to three in the morning.!!
Taffy, Jock & Paddy are chatting. Taffy says, "women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive"! Jock says, "that's nothing, my wife's on a diet &she's not even fat"! Paddy says, "that's fuck all, my wife has taken 30 condoms to Benidorm & she hasn't even got a cock"!!
!Sing a song of shamrocks! Dance an Irish jig! Pour yourself a hearty drink + take a healthy swig! Tell a tale of leprechauns! Drape urself in green, and have the best St Paddys day the world has ever seen. Beannachtai la le Padraig.
Mick says 2 Paddy " close ur bloody curtain next time ur shagging tha brains out ur missus. All the neighbours were pissing themselves laughing @ u yesterday"!
"Well" said Paddy. " The laugh is on them nosey bastards cuz I wasn't even fuckin in last night!
Little irish boy crying. Passing woman asks "Whats wrong?" Boy replies "Me ma is dead'
Oh jaysus' says the woman, d'ya want me to get Father O'reilly?' No tanks, replies the boy, sex is de last ting on me mind roight now!.
Paddy's getting mugged by 4 blokes & he puts up a great fight, but in the end, 3 of them hold him down & the 4th goes through his pockets. All he had was 40p. The muggers said "U put up that fight for just 40p - y did u bother?" Paddy said "I taut u was afta the £500 I've got hidden in me shoe."
Paddy's mrs said she wanted a rape alarm. So at 5.30am this morning he put tape over her mouth, held her down, fucked her up the arse & whispered 'time to get up'
Paddy stuck in traffic jam on M2 motorway into belfast, suddenly a man knocks on window, Paddy rolls down window and asks whats happening, man says,the IRA have kidnapped the x factor twins and are asking for £10 million or they are going to pour petrol over them and burn them, we are going from car to car having a collection,Paddy asks, how much is everyone giving, man says "about a gallon".
Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home its there. Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.When he gets home,its there again. So next day he drives to other side of the country and dumps it.Six hours later he rings his wife and asks ''is the cat home?''
'Yes,why?'' asks his wife
''Put the cunt on'' he says ''I'm fucking lost.''
Bloke meets paddy in pub, the telly is on and the evening news is covering the story of a guy about to jump of a high rise block. I bet you £20 he'll jump, says the man, I bet £20 he wont says paddy... With that, the guy jumps and paddy, mortified hands over his money. I cant accept your money says the man, I saw that earlier on the lunchtime news. So did I, says paddy but I didn't think he'd fucking do it again!
Englishman, Scot & a Paki go to work on a farm but there's only 2 beds left so one has to sleep in the stable. Englishman says he'll do it but 5 minutes later he returns saying he can't stand the smell of the donkey. The jock offers but returns 5 minutes later saying the stench is impossible to cope with. The paki takes his turn then 5 minutes later there's a knock at the door...
It's the donkey.
I hope Nigeria play Germany in the world cup. How funny will it be to see
NIG - GER in the corner of the tv screen.....in south africa too!
I saw a Paki drowning the other day and reported it to the Emergency Services.
I hope they saved him or else that was a waste of a 2nd class stamp.
Irish teacher asks class to use the word "contagious". Roland says, "Last year I got the measles. Mum said it was contagious." "Well done," says teacher, "anyone else?" Sean from Dublin jumps up and says, "Our neighbour is painting his house with a one inch brush. Dad says it will take the cuntagious."
An irishman cleaning his rifle shot and killed his wife then dialled 999. Paddy: its my wife i accidentally shot her, i killed her! Operator: please calm down sir, can u first make sure she is really dead? CLICK, BANG! Paddy: ok done that what next?
Chaos reigns at the winter olympics, after the death in the luge. The irish bob sleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted first!!
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced it will be closing lanes 7 and 8.
Paddy's mrs said she wanted a rape alarm. So at 5.30am this morning he put tape over her mouth, held her down, fucked her up the arse & whispered 'time to get up'
Paddy stuck in traffic jam on M2 motorway into belfast, suddenly a man knocks on window, Paddy rolls down window and asks whats happening, man says,the IRA have kidnapped the x factor twins and are asking for £10 million or they are going to pour petrol over them and burn them, we are going from car to car having a collection,Paddy asks, how much is everyone giving, man says "about a gallon".
Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home its there. Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.When he gets home,its there again. So next day he drives to other side of the country and dumps it.Six hours later he rings his wife and asks ''is the cat home?''
'Yes,why?'' asks his wife
''Put the cunt on'' he says ''I'm fucking lost.''
Bloke meets paddy in pub, the telly is on and the evening news is covering the story of a guy about to jump of a high rise block. I bet you £20 he'll jump, says the man, I bet £20 he wont says paddy... With that, the guy jumps and paddy, mortified hands over his money. I cant accept your money says the man, I saw that earlier on the lunchtime news. So did I, says paddy but I didn't think he'd fucking do it again!
Englishman, Scot & a Paki go to work on a farm but there's only 2 beds left so one has to sleep in the stable. Englishman says he'll do it but 5 minutes later he returns saying he can't stand the smell of the donkey. The jock offers but returns 5 minutes later saying the stench is impossible to cope with. The paki takes his turn then 5 minutes later there's a knock at the door...
It's the donkey.
I hope Nigeria play Germany in the world cup. How funny will it be to see
NIG - GER in the corner of the tv screen.....in south africa too!
I saw a Paki drowning the other day and reported it to the Emergency Services.
I hope they saved him or else that was a waste of a 2nd class stamp.
Irish teacher asks class to use the word "contagious". Roland says, "Last year I got the measles. Mum said it was contagious." "Well done," says teacher, "anyone else?" Sean from Dublin jumps up and says, "Our neighbour is painting his house with a one inch brush. Dad says it will take the cuntagious."
An irishman cleaning his rifle shot and killed his wife then dialled 999. Paddy: its my wife i accidentally shot her, i killed her! Operator: please calm down sir, can u first make sure she is really dead? CLICK, BANG! Paddy: ok done that what next?
Chaos reigns at the winter olympics, after the death in the luge. The irish bob sleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted first!!
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced it will be closing lanes 7 and 8.