! IRISH JOKES ! IT'S ONLY A JOKES ! SEX JOKES ! NOT NICE JOKES BUT FUNNY !
! jokes !
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SEX JOKES
Gary Glitter is currently en route to Chile, apparently the news of 33 trapped & helpless minors was just too tempting to ignore !!!!!!!! In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheeps bladder. However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
Guy goes up to a woman in a bar&whispers in her ear, "l'd love to fill your fanny with Stella&then drink it all" The woman runs over to her husband&tells him."Aren't you going to kick the shit out of him?" she asks."Nah, he says l'm not fighting any fucker that can drink 25 pints of Stella!"
Man walks up to a fat girl in a pub... And asks her,have you got a pen? The girl, being thrilled to get some male attention...eagerly says yes and reaches into her bag.
Man says, well don't you think you better get back in the fucker before the farmer realizes your missing
George Michael is said to be devastated after being jailed for 8 weeks, he had bought enough KY Jelly for at least 6 months
A woman said "I wish I could have bigger breasts" her husband said "Try pushing them into the settee and staying like that all day". She said "Will that help?". He said "Well it's worked on your arse!"
I recently joined an online dating agency and was asked to describe my ideal woman, so I put - "I love page 3 girls, they're so sexy." At first I wondered why I didn't get many responses, then I remembered my P button is broken
I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
I just said to my wife "Right sexy, upstairs now!" she looked at me and said "Oooh, kinky bastard." I said. "No seriously, The World Cup is starting soon, now fuck off...
I had a job application turned down last week. Apparently a gang bang does not qualify as leadership qualities
Last week,a girl from my past rang. it was many years since our brief affair,but i have never forgotten the amazing sex and wonderful times we had together ..imagine my delight when she suggested revisiting our glorious past. I explained i wasnt the man i was, having gained a beer belly, a bald patch and a slight pile problem. she giggled girlishly, and said not to worry as she had put on a few pounds herself... so i told her to fuck off...
Postman is retiring & on his last round. He gets a bottle from one house and cigars from the next. At the third house irish mrs smith is waiting in her nightdress! She drags him upstairs makes mad passionate love to him then brings him down for a huge fry up. The postman sees a fiver under his cup & asks what's this. Woman explains, "paddy n me were talking about what to get u & my husband said FUCK him, give him a fiver! The breakfast was my idea! "
The government is worried that mens willy's are getting smaller. To find out how great the problem is they have asked all men with penis's
smaller than three inches to put a white flag with a red cross on their car
The missus came home early tonight and nearly caught me watching the England game. Luckily I managed to put some porn on and get my cock out in time to save any embarrassment.
5 things NOT to say in a gay bar: 1. Well fuck me.
2. Bottoms up.
3. Can I have a fag?
4. Toss ya for the next round.
5. Can someone push my stool in ?
2 women called at my door 2day asked what bread I ate? I said 'white'. They lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. Fuckin Hovis Witnesses
Shagged a deaf and dumb bird last night but felt so ashamed this morning that I superglued her fingers together so she couldn't tell anyone
My wife just unzipped my jeans, pulled out my cock, and had a stroke. Talk about bad timing, I was quite aroused before her face fell to one side.
My wife said when I was having my cock sucked I had to let her know when I was coming. Do you think a text will suffice or should I ring her
My teenage son has just told me he fucked a girl last nite for the 1st time i said " well done son hope u used something?" he said " yeah a
balaclava"
My mate caught me sniffing his sisters knickers while having a wank . Lets just say it made her funeral the next day very awkward
Man making love to 30 stone woman, he said 'any chance we can have the light switched off, she said ' why ? Do u find me that repulsive ' he said no its burning my arse.
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother "Frank Brown showed me his willy today". Before her mum freaked out she added "It reminded me of a peanut". Relaxing a little, with a hidden smile, her mother asked "Really small was it?". Sally replied "...no salty..."!!
Just got a new african girlfriend. I've discovered if i write VUVUZELA down the side of my cock she can blow it for over 90 minutes!!
A tramp walks into a posh jewellery shop, pulls down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The shop assistant shouts 'get out you fucking dirty bastard'. The tramp is furious and says 'well make up your mind'. He then points to a sign in the window which says 'come inside and pick your ring in comfort'.
Bloke sat on a bus + a gorgeous bird next to him starts breast feeding her baby. The baby wont take it so she says "Come on,eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" Ten minutes later,babys still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" Bloke says "Listen love,can you make your Fuckin mind up,I shoulda got off 4 stops ago "
Babe, I've finally left that wanker Ashley and I'm on my way round to you big boy and I'm horny as fuck. Love you. Cheryl xx. (Carlsberg dont do text messages but if they did...Youd be the last cunt she would send that to!
A woman, pregnant with triplets, was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot 3 times in the stomach. The doctors said it was too risky to operate and chose to leave the bullets in. 16 yrs later one of the girl triplets went crying to her mum. She asked what was wrong. " I was peeing and a bullet came out." so her mum told her what had happened 16 yrs earlier. The next day the same thing happened with the other girl triplet so her mum told her the story about the bank robbery. The day after, the boy triplet went crying to his mum. "Let me guess" she said, "you were peeing and a bullet came out? " the boy said " No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"
A couple run out of money & decide the wife should go on the game. So Hubby says"you stand on pavement & I'll wait round the corner". A car stops & the wife gets in. The bloke says "how much for a shag?". The wife says "£100". The bloke says "I've only got £20!". The wife says "hold on", runs round the corner tells hubby "he's only got £20!". The hubby says "give him a hand job!". She gets back into the car & tells the bloke. He agrees, then lays back & pulls out the biggest cock shes ever seen! She says "hold on", runs back to hubby & says "could you lend him £80"?
Shortly after her 11th birthday, Julie gets her first period. Uncomfortable with talking to her parents about whats happening to her, she decides to ask her little brother johnny. 'Whats wrong with me??' she gasps, as she whips up her skirt to show him her bleeding fanny. Johnny scratches his chin for a moment and finally says "i'm no expert, but it looks like someone's ripped your bollocks off!?!"
They reckon that beer contains female hormones. They might be right, because after 16pints I talk like a cunt and can't fucking drive!
I told my girlfriend I had a cock like a computer. She asked if it was coz it had loads of RAM and a hard drive. Oh, the fucking surprise she got when she found out it was actually Microsoft and full of viruses.
Wife helpin hubby set up computer, for a password, Hubby types MYPENIS - wife fell off chair laughin when computer replied PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
3 naked men in a sauna: an American, Japanese & Irishman. They hear a beepin sound, the American touches his arm n says 'Thats my pager, I have a microchip under my skin'. Next a phone rings n the Japanese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says 'I have a microchip in my hand'. The Irishman, now feelin very lowtech, goes to the toilet & comes back with loo paper hangin from his arse. He says 'Oh jaysus,
would U look at that, I'm gettin a fax!'
.
What does a penis and a bible have in common.??
They both get shoved down your throat by catholic priests.!!
Hubby gets "i love you" tatooed on his knob and goes home to show his wife, she says "there you go again you bastard trying to put words in my mouth! When i was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head...
Yes... life was tough in the gateau...
A girl persuades her boyfriend to try a new drink, he puts some salt on his tongue, drinks a shot of baileys irish cream followed by a shot of lime juice. The lime juice curdles the baileys & the salty mixture triggers his gag reflex but being manly he swallows the foul-tasting drink. He turns to his girlfriend & asks "what the hell is that drink called?"
She smiles sweetly at him & replies...
"BLOW JOB REVENGE"
What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board? Answer is you can have difficulty getting the legs apart on an ironing board! :-*
Emil Heskey is refusing to fly British Airways - he is scared of meeting real strikers!
A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "What's the eggs for?" Asks the husband. She replied "every time we had crap sex i would put an egg in the box. "Not bad" says the husband, "3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash?" he asks. "Every time i got a dozen i sold them" replied his wife.
A 93 yr old man's sat on the kerb crying! Passerby asks "whats up?"
The old man moans "I'm 93, married to a 21 yr old who wants sex b4 "breakfast, lunch,tea & twice again at night!"
Passerby says "whats the problem?"
The old man replies "I can't f**king remember where I live!!"
I saw a prostitute with no arms the other day. I asked her if it affected her work in any way. She said she couldn't give a toss.
My girlfriend is a dirty little minx; when i cum in her mouth she likes to gargle it, blow bubbles with it and then let it dribble out of her mouth and down over her chin and tits. She may be completely paralysed but i know deep down she enjoys it.
Let's test the way u think. Read this: thepenisinmymouth. Did u read the pen is in my mouth? No u fucking didn't u liar! Pass it on cock sucker!!
Guy goes up to a woman in a bar&whispers in her ear, "l'd love to fill your fanny with Stella&then drink it all" The woman runs over to her husband&tells him."Aren't you going to kick the shit out of him?" she asks."Nah, he says l'm not fighting any fucker that can drink 25 pints of Stella!"
Man walks up to a fat girl in a pub... And asks her,have you got a pen? The girl, being thrilled to get some male attention...eagerly says yes and reaches into her bag.
Man says, well don't you think you better get back in the fucker before the farmer realizes your missing
George Michael is said to be devastated after being jailed for 8 weeks, he had bought enough KY Jelly for at least 6 months
A woman said "I wish I could have bigger breasts" her husband said "Try pushing them into the settee and staying like that all day". She said "Will that help?". He said "Well it's worked on your arse!"
I recently joined an online dating agency and was asked to describe my ideal woman, so I put - "I love page 3 girls, they're so sexy." At first I wondered why I didn't get many responses, then I remembered my P button is broken
I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
I just said to my wife "Right sexy, upstairs now!" she looked at me and said "Oooh, kinky bastard." I said. "No seriously, The World Cup is starting soon, now fuck off...
I had a job application turned down last week. Apparently a gang bang does not qualify as leadership qualities
Last week,a girl from my past rang. it was many years since our brief affair,but i have never forgotten the amazing sex and wonderful times we had together ..imagine my delight when she suggested revisiting our glorious past. I explained i wasnt the man i was, having gained a beer belly, a bald patch and a slight pile problem. she giggled girlishly, and said not to worry as she had put on a few pounds herself... so i told her to fuck off...
Postman is retiring & on his last round. He gets a bottle from one house and cigars from the next. At the third house irish mrs smith is waiting in her nightdress! She drags him upstairs makes mad passionate love to him then brings him down for a huge fry up. The postman sees a fiver under his cup & asks what's this. Woman explains, "paddy n me were talking about what to get u & my husband said FUCK him, give him a fiver! The breakfast was my idea! "
The government is worried that mens willy's are getting smaller. To find out how great the problem is they have asked all men with penis's
smaller than three inches to put a white flag with a red cross on their car
The missus came home early tonight and nearly caught me watching the England game. Luckily I managed to put some porn on and get my cock out in time to save any embarrassment.
5 things NOT to say in a gay bar: 1. Well fuck me.
2. Bottoms up.
3. Can I have a fag?
4. Toss ya for the next round.
5. Can someone push my stool in ?
2 women called at my door 2day asked what bread I ate? I said 'white'. They lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. Fuckin Hovis Witnesses
Shagged a deaf and dumb bird last night but felt so ashamed this morning that I superglued her fingers together so she couldn't tell anyone
My wife just unzipped my jeans, pulled out my cock, and had a stroke. Talk about bad timing, I was quite aroused before her face fell to one side.
My wife said when I was having my cock sucked I had to let her know when I was coming. Do you think a text will suffice or should I ring her
My teenage son has just told me he fucked a girl last nite for the 1st time i said " well done son hope u used something?" he said " yeah a
balaclava"
My mate caught me sniffing his sisters knickers while having a wank . Lets just say it made her funeral the next day very awkward
Man making love to 30 stone woman, he said 'any chance we can have the light switched off, she said ' why ? Do u find me that repulsive ' he said no its burning my arse.
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother "Frank Brown showed me his willy today". Before her mum freaked out she added "It reminded me of a peanut". Relaxing a little, with a hidden smile, her mother asked "Really small was it?". Sally replied "...no salty..."!!
Just got a new african girlfriend. I've discovered if i write VUVUZELA down the side of my cock she can blow it for over 90 minutes!!
A tramp walks into a posh jewellery shop, pulls down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The shop assistant shouts 'get out you fucking dirty bastard'. The tramp is furious and says 'well make up your mind'. He then points to a sign in the window which says 'come inside and pick your ring in comfort'.
Bloke sat on a bus + a gorgeous bird next to him starts breast feeding her baby. The baby wont take it so she says "Come on,eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" Ten minutes later,babys still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" Bloke says "Listen love,can you make your Fuckin mind up,I shoulda got off 4 stops ago "
Babe, I've finally left that wanker Ashley and I'm on my way round to you big boy and I'm horny as fuck. Love you. Cheryl xx. (Carlsberg dont do text messages but if they did...Youd be the last cunt she would send that to!
A woman, pregnant with triplets, was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot 3 times in the stomach. The doctors said it was too risky to operate and chose to leave the bullets in. 16 yrs later one of the girl triplets went crying to her mum. She asked what was wrong. " I was peeing and a bullet came out." so her mum told her what had happened 16 yrs earlier. The next day the same thing happened with the other girl triplet so her mum told her the story about the bank robbery. The day after, the boy triplet went crying to his mum. "Let me guess" she said, "you were peeing and a bullet came out? " the boy said " No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"
A couple run out of money & decide the wife should go on the game. So Hubby says"you stand on pavement & I'll wait round the corner". A car stops & the wife gets in. The bloke says "how much for a shag?". The wife says "£100". The bloke says "I've only got £20!". The wife says "hold on", runs round the corner tells hubby "he's only got £20!". The hubby says "give him a hand job!". She gets back into the car & tells the bloke. He agrees, then lays back & pulls out the biggest cock shes ever seen! She says "hold on", runs back to hubby & says "could you lend him £80"?
Shortly after her 11th birthday, Julie gets her first period. Uncomfortable with talking to her parents about whats happening to her, she decides to ask her little brother johnny. 'Whats wrong with me??' she gasps, as she whips up her skirt to show him her bleeding fanny. Johnny scratches his chin for a moment and finally says "i'm no expert, but it looks like someone's ripped your bollocks off!?!"
They reckon that beer contains female hormones. They might be right, because after 16pints I talk like a cunt and can't fucking drive!
I told my girlfriend I had a cock like a computer. She asked if it was coz it had loads of RAM and a hard drive. Oh, the fucking surprise she got when she found out it was actually Microsoft and full of viruses.
Wife helpin hubby set up computer, for a password, Hubby types MYPENIS - wife fell off chair laughin when computer replied PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
3 naked men in a sauna: an American, Japanese & Irishman. They hear a beepin sound, the American touches his arm n says 'Thats my pager, I have a microchip under my skin'. Next a phone rings n the Japanese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says 'I have a microchip in my hand'. The Irishman, now feelin very lowtech, goes to the toilet & comes back with loo paper hangin from his arse. He says 'Oh jaysus,
would U look at that, I'm gettin a fax!'
.
What does a penis and a bible have in common.??
They both get shoved down your throat by catholic priests.!!
Hubby gets "i love you" tatooed on his knob and goes home to show his wife, she says "there you go again you bastard trying to put words in my mouth! When i was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head...
Yes... life was tough in the gateau...
A girl persuades her boyfriend to try a new drink, he puts some salt on his tongue, drinks a shot of baileys irish cream followed by a shot of lime juice. The lime juice curdles the baileys & the salty mixture triggers his gag reflex but being manly he swallows the foul-tasting drink. He turns to his girlfriend & asks "what the hell is that drink called?"
She smiles sweetly at him & replies...
"BLOW JOB REVENGE"
What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board? Answer is you can have difficulty getting the legs apart on an ironing board! :-*
Emil Heskey is refusing to fly British Airways - he is scared of meeting real strikers!
A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "What's the eggs for?" Asks the husband. She replied "every time we had crap sex i would put an egg in the box. "Not bad" says the husband, "3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash?" he asks. "Every time i got a dozen i sold them" replied his wife.
A 93 yr old man's sat on the kerb crying! Passerby asks "whats up?"
The old man moans "I'm 93, married to a 21 yr old who wants sex b4 "breakfast, lunch,tea & twice again at night!"
Passerby says "whats the problem?"
The old man replies "I can't f**king remember where I live!!"
I saw a prostitute with no arms the other day. I asked her if it affected her work in any way. She said she couldn't give a toss.
My girlfriend is a dirty little minx; when i cum in her mouth she likes to gargle it, blow bubbles with it and then let it dribble out of her mouth and down over her chin and tits. She may be completely paralysed but i know deep down she enjoys it.
Let's test the way u think. Read this: thepenisinmymouth. Did u read the pen is in my mouth? No u fucking didn't u liar! Pass it on cock sucker!!
Bloke fancies a girl in his office but she has a boyfriend. He tells her anyway & offers her £1000 if she'll
hav sex with him. "I'l throw the money on the floor, u bend down & I'l b finished by the time u pick it up". The girl fones her boyfriend. Who tells her 2 go 4 it & pick it up real fast, he wont have a chance! An hour later he calls her & asks how it went. "I can hardly FUCKIN WALK!" She replies "The BASTARD USED 2p's
Little Julie gets her first period. Uncomfortable with talking to her parents she decides to ask little Johnny. So she whips up her skirt and shows him her bleeding fanny. Johnny scratches his chin and finally says,"I'm no expert but it looks like someone's ripped your bollocks off"
My wife has just told me that yesterday 'Gavin' from 'Autoglass' came round and injected his special resin into her crack - l'm not normally suspicious BUT... she hasn't even got a fuckin car!
Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike "Did Santa get you that?" Yes" replies the little girl. "Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year" and fined her £5. The little girl looked up at the Policeman and said "Nice horse you've got there - did Santa bring you that?" The Policeman chuckles and replies "He sure did!" Well," said the little girl "next year, tell Santa the fuckin' dick goes under the horse and not on it
So I was round my new girlfriends house. We were in the kitchen doing dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg.
Apparently, fingering her disabled sister is not what she meant!
Sex tip of the day - NEVER use a lemon flavour condom.
They make you cum in a jiffy !
Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to touch, cums when you least expect it and never gets as deep as you'd like it!! ;-)
Teacher: If there are 5 birds on a fence & you shoot 1 how many are left?.Student: None, the others would fly away.Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Student: I have a question for you miss. There are 3 women eating an ice cream cone, 1 licking, 1 biting, & 1 sucking. which one is married ?.Teacher nervously answers: The one sucking. Student: The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think....
The world's shortest fairy tale. Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl 'Will u marry me?' The girl said 'NO!' AND THE BLOKE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER & RODE MOTORCYCLES & WENT FISHING & PLAYED FOOTBALL & DRANK BEER & ATE CURRY & LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP & FARTED & HAD A WANK WHENEVER HE WANTED... The End.
THIS IS VERY CLEVER
two Italian men talking on bus .
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.'
She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on Public
Places about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi','
betcha you're gonna read this again!
Three boy scouts, a lawyer, a priest and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, lets give them to the 3 boy scouts. They are young and have their whole life ahead of them." The lawyer says "Fuck the boyscouts!" The priest says "Do we have time?"
Tom visits Dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg
Dave says "Me feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"
"No probs" says Tom.
Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed.
"Hello girls, your Dad sent me to shag you two."
"Fuck off you liar!" they said.
"I'll prove it." said Tom and he shouts downstairs
"Both of them Dave?"
Two WPCs are out on foot patrol with their alsatian. One says " I'm getting a bit cold and I've left my knickers back at the station." The other one says " Use the dog, give him a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them for you". So she lets the dog have a sniff and he runs off back to the station. Two hrs later he returns with a truncheon, a plastic baton and 3 of the Sergeants fingers!
Walkers are to add a new flavour crisps to their range, 'Semen' flavour.They will be marketed as 'Diet Crisps' as 97.8% of women will spit them back out!
Went to the garden centre today and bought a xmas tree. The assistant asked, "will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "no you sick bastard, I'll be putting it in my living room!
We've caught a stray parrot in our garden. All it says is good morning you ugly fucker........ Its not yours is it?
What does a ginger fanny and a battery have in common?
You know its wrong but you still want to lick it!!!
Wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers 2try 2 spice up sex life Puts them on with a very short skirt sits on settee opposite her husband and opens her legs husband says 2 her have u got crotchless knickers on? yes she says, he says thank fuck 4 that i thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee!
Wife says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career & a family. She's obviously never tried balancing a laptop on your knees whilst having a wank!
80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like bastards. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. "My God" she said, "you didn't fuck me like that 50yrs ago! To which the old man replied: "50yrs ago that fence wasn't fuckin electric"
Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping men with big cocks .....you're not in any danger, I'm just texting u to say goodbye.
Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Paki blood. It's not as bad as it sounds. I've now got a 12 inch cock and I'm top of the housing list.
hav sex with him. "I'l throw the money on the floor, u bend down & I'l b finished by the time u pick it up". The girl fones her boyfriend. Who tells her 2 go 4 it & pick it up real fast, he wont have a chance! An hour later he calls her & asks how it went. "I can hardly FUCKIN WALK!" She replies "The BASTARD USED 2p's
Little Julie gets her first period. Uncomfortable with talking to her parents she decides to ask little Johnny. So she whips up her skirt and shows him her bleeding fanny. Johnny scratches his chin and finally says,"I'm no expert but it looks like someone's ripped your bollocks off"
My wife has just told me that yesterday 'Gavin' from 'Autoglass' came round and injected his special resin into her crack - l'm not normally suspicious BUT... she hasn't even got a fuckin car!
Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike "Did Santa get you that?" Yes" replies the little girl. "Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year" and fined her £5. The little girl looked up at the Policeman and said "Nice horse you've got there - did Santa bring you that?" The Policeman chuckles and replies "He sure did!" Well," said the little girl "next year, tell Santa the fuckin' dick goes under the horse and not on it
So I was round my new girlfriends house. We were in the kitchen doing dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg.
Apparently, fingering her disabled sister is not what she meant!
Sex tip of the day - NEVER use a lemon flavour condom.
They make you cum in a jiffy !
Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to touch, cums when you least expect it and never gets as deep as you'd like it!! ;-)
Teacher: If there are 5 birds on a fence & you shoot 1 how many are left?.Student: None, the others would fly away.Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Student: I have a question for you miss. There are 3 women eating an ice cream cone, 1 licking, 1 biting, & 1 sucking. which one is married ?.Teacher nervously answers: The one sucking. Student: The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think....
The world's shortest fairy tale. Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl 'Will u marry me?' The girl said 'NO!' AND THE BLOKE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER & RODE MOTORCYCLES & WENT FISHING & PLAYED FOOTBALL & DRANK BEER & ATE CURRY & LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP & FARTED & HAD A WANK WHENEVER HE WANTED... The End.
THIS IS VERY CLEVER
two Italian men talking on bus .
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.'
She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on Public
Places about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi','
betcha you're gonna read this again!
Three boy scouts, a lawyer, a priest and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, lets give them to the 3 boy scouts. They are young and have their whole life ahead of them." The lawyer says "Fuck the boyscouts!" The priest says "Do we have time?"
Tom visits Dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg
Dave says "Me feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"
"No probs" says Tom.
Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed.
"Hello girls, your Dad sent me to shag you two."
"Fuck off you liar!" they said.
"I'll prove it." said Tom and he shouts downstairs
"Both of them Dave?"
Two WPCs are out on foot patrol with their alsatian. One says " I'm getting a bit cold and I've left my knickers back at the station." The other one says " Use the dog, give him a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them for you". So she lets the dog have a sniff and he runs off back to the station. Two hrs later he returns with a truncheon, a plastic baton and 3 of the Sergeants fingers!
Walkers are to add a new flavour crisps to their range, 'Semen' flavour.They will be marketed as 'Diet Crisps' as 97.8% of women will spit them back out!
Went to the garden centre today and bought a xmas tree. The assistant asked, "will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "no you sick bastard, I'll be putting it in my living room!
We've caught a stray parrot in our garden. All it says is good morning you ugly fucker........ Its not yours is it?
What does a ginger fanny and a battery have in common?
You know its wrong but you still want to lick it!!!
Wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers 2try 2 spice up sex life Puts them on with a very short skirt sits on settee opposite her husband and opens her legs husband says 2 her have u got crotchless knickers on? yes she says, he says thank fuck 4 that i thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee!
Wife says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career & a family. She's obviously never tried balancing a laptop on your knees whilst having a wank!
80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like bastards. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. "My God" she said, "you didn't fuck me like that 50yrs ago! To which the old man replied: "50yrs ago that fence wasn't fuckin electric"
Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping men with big cocks .....you're not in any danger, I'm just texting u to say goodbye.
Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Paki blood. It's not as bad as it sounds. I've now got a 12 inch cock and I'm top of the housing list.
Man and wife in bed. He's reading a book. She's getting randy and asks for sex. He says "No - I'm reading". She asks "Well why do you keep stroking my fanny every two minutes?" He replies "Just wetting my finger to turn the page!"
Man pulls wife into bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a handstand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it.". She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, " a goatie would suit me!"
Man naked, looks in the mirror and says 2 his wife "why do i always get a hard on when i look at myself?" Wife says "coz even your cock thinks ur a cunt...
My girlfriend was giving me a blowjob last night when suddenly,she stuck her finger up my arse! Women,eh? They'll do anything to get a ring on they're finger.
Man sat on a towel on the beach. He had no arms or legs. 3 Women walkd past, felt sorry for him. 1 said u ever had a hug? He said No, she hugged him & walkd on. 2nd 1 said u ever had a kiss? He said No, she kissed him & walkd on. 3rd 1 said u ever been fucked? With a big smile on his face he said No, she said u wil be when the tide comes in.
Man goes to doctors for cock extension. Doc suggests baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. Man agrees. 6 weeks later while having dinner with new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flys out steals an apple off the table & goes back. Wow she says can you do that again. He says my cock can but i dont think my arse can take another apple!
Jordan has decided cheryl cole can do her baby sittin from now on as she has the most experience in dealin with an embarrassing black cunt who can dribble for england.
A man is having a pee in a pub toilet . Next to him is a man standing at the urinal but without any arms, so feeling obliged he says ''can you manage?''
the man says ''would you mind pulling my cock out, pointing it while i pee and then giving it a shake?'' He feels awkward at having to do this but does so since he asked. As he's holding the mans cock he notices it covered with scabs and all kinds of scars, he gives it a shake, puts it back in and says ''Do you mind if i ask what's wrong with your cock?''
at which the bloke pulls his arms out from under his coat and says ''Fuck knows, but i'm not touching it. ''
A man wearing a mask walks into a sperm bank holding a gun at the desk lady and says ''Open the safe!'' the lady says ''ok sir, but this is a sperm bank there's no money in there''. ''Just open the fucking safe!'' the man screams so the lady does what he asks. ''now pull out a cup and drink it'' he orders. Frightened, she wastes no time and gulps down the seemen. ''Now another'' he says. So again the lady rips off the lid and swallows it down. After making her do this 3 more times, the man tears off his mask. To her surprise, its her husband who says, ''NOT THAT FUCKIN HARD IS IT??!!!''
After having a 69 with his girlfriend Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss & a bottle of listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he ate a packet of extra strong mints. His turn came & feeling confident & relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close & said 'Did you have a 69 before you came here?' Brian said "yes can you still smell fanny on my breath?" The dentist replies "No you have a skidmark on your forehead."
Babe, I've finally left that wanker Ashley and I'm on my way round to you big boy and I'm horny as fuck. Love u, Cheryl xxx. Carlsberg dont do text messages but if they did.......... You'd be the last cunt she'd send
that to.
Elton john went to tattooist and said i want a rolls royce tattooed on my penis, he said youd be better off with a land rover it wont get stuck in the shit
Husband: Fancy playing 'rape' tonight?
Wife: No
Husband: That's the spirit!
A man was doing his girlfriend doggystyle and she farted ! He just smiled , slapped her arse and said "hush little one , your next"
A cat is sat by the side of the river when a 6 inch sausage floats past. The cat dips its paw in to catch it but misses. Ten minutes later a 7 inch sausage floats past. The cat dips its whole leg into catch it but misses. Ten minutes later a 10 inch sausage floats past. The cat throws itself in, catches it and eats it. The moral of the story. . . The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy!
A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain coming from inside. She asks St Peter what it is.
He says "That's the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings, and their heads for halos."
She says "I think I'd rather go to hell!"
St. Peter replies "In hell you will be raped and buggered!" She replies, "Yeah, but I already got the fucking holes for that!"
A little boy says to a priest "kiss me Father". The Priest says "I cant. It would be unethical. To be honest I shouldnt even be wanking you off "
A ventriloquist is touring his act. Doing his show one night with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, ive heard enough of your fukn stupid blonde jokes! What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected! The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, you stay out of this mate! Im talking to that little fukn wanker on your knee!
According to recent studies, blowjobs r the healthiest breakfast: as it cums with a sausage , 2 nuts + a protein shot ....STAY HEALTHY...SUCK a DICK!!
Aeroplane is about to crash. Female passenger jumps up and shouts "If I'm going to die, I want to die like a woman". She tears off her clothes and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who's man enough to make me feel like a woman?". Paddy stands up, removes his shirt and says, ''Here, fuckin Iron that!
After a visit to a whore house, a man notices lump on his dick so goes to docs. "that's serious" says doc, "u know how wrestlers get cauliflower ear?" "yes," says man nervously. "well,"says doc, "u've got a brothel sprout!"
After having a nice 69 with his girlfriend Brian remembered he had an appointment with the dentist. He was afraid that the dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss & on top of that a bottle of listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he ate a packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him 2 take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close & said 'Did u hav a 69 b4 u came here?' Brian says 'how did u know? Does my breath smell like fanny?' The dentist replied 'No u hav a Skid Mark on u'r 4head.
Alcohol Free Lager
. . . . . .
it's like licking your sister's fanny. It tastes the same but it's just not right
Apparently George Michael was involved in the death of Stephen Gately. Stephen was found dead with a bar of chocolate stuck up his arse, police have said it was a careless wispa
Bloke goes into pub an asks for 3 double whiskys. 'You ok?' asks the barman. 'No, i've just found out my youngest son is gay!' The following week he goes in the pub again, and asks for 6 double whiskys. 'You ok?' asks barman again. 'No, just found out my eldest son has turned gay as well!' Week after he returns to the pub and asks for 10 doubles. 'Fuck me,' says barman. 'Doesn't any of your family like fanny?' 'Yep,' he replies, 'My daughter'
Cant beat a sexist joke!..... Why do men like to be on the bottom during sex?
Because they only know how to fuck things up!!! Lol
Cat crawls out of the cat flap in the farmhouse door and falls straight into a puddle. The rooster falls off the fence laughing at the cat. Moral of the story? It only takes a wet pussy to make a cock happy!
Do u want to come to a charity do at the weekend, it's for women with no legs. The dance floor will be crawling with fanny.
Driving instructor says to a welsh farmer "Can you make a u-turn?" farmer replies "listen boyo...I can make its fucking eyes water if I go in dry!"
Had my annual health check today. Nurse told me i had to stop wanking. I asked why,and she said "because i'm trying to examine you"
Happy & Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said...
"Babe, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time."
She said ... "You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates."
I bought a deodorant stick today.i'd never used one b4,so i read the instructions carefully.it said"remove top and slowly push up bottom." I'm in casualty at the moment,but my farts smell lovely
I was hammered last night, went up to an attractive blonde at the bar and said "Duck my sick" she said "your pissed, you mean "suck my dick". I vomited all over her and said "no"
I've just found out, I can still have wild, athletic sex at 59 . I'm so happy cos I only live at 51 so it's not far to walk home......
Just heard Jonathan ross is leaving the bbc. I was wondering what you, your three mates and the piano are going to do?
Wife: No
Husband: That's the spirit!
A man was doing his girlfriend doggystyle and she farted ! He just smiled , slapped her arse and said "hush little one , your next"
A cat is sat by the side of the river when a 6 inch sausage floats past. The cat dips its paw in to catch it but misses. Ten minutes later a 7 inch sausage floats past. The cat dips its whole leg into catch it but misses. Ten minutes later a 10 inch sausage floats past. The cat throws itself in, catches it and eats it. The moral of the story. . . The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy!
A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain coming from inside. She asks St Peter what it is.
He says "That's the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings, and their heads for halos."
She says "I think I'd rather go to hell!"
St. Peter replies "In hell you will be raped and buggered!" She replies, "Yeah, but I already got the fucking holes for that!"
A little boy says to a priest "kiss me Father". The Priest says "I cant. It would be unethical. To be honest I shouldnt even be wanking you off "
A ventriloquist is touring his act. Doing his show one night with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, ive heard enough of your fukn stupid blonde jokes! What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected! The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, you stay out of this mate! Im talking to that little fukn wanker on your knee!
According to recent studies, blowjobs r the healthiest breakfast: as it cums with a sausage , 2 nuts + a protein shot ....STAY HEALTHY...SUCK a DICK!!
Aeroplane is about to crash. Female passenger jumps up and shouts "If I'm going to die, I want to die like a woman". She tears off her clothes and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who's man enough to make me feel like a woman?". Paddy stands up, removes his shirt and says, ''Here, fuckin Iron that!
After a visit to a whore house, a man notices lump on his dick so goes to docs. "that's serious" says doc, "u know how wrestlers get cauliflower ear?" "yes," says man nervously. "well,"says doc, "u've got a brothel sprout!"
After having a nice 69 with his girlfriend Brian remembered he had an appointment with the dentist. He was afraid that the dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss & on top of that a bottle of listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he ate a packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him 2 take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close & said 'Did u hav a 69 b4 u came here?' Brian says 'how did u know? Does my breath smell like fanny?' The dentist replied 'No u hav a Skid Mark on u'r 4head.
Alcohol Free Lager
. . . . . .
it's like licking your sister's fanny. It tastes the same but it's just not right
Apparently George Michael was involved in the death of Stephen Gately. Stephen was found dead with a bar of chocolate stuck up his arse, police have said it was a careless wispa
Bloke goes into pub an asks for 3 double whiskys. 'You ok?' asks the barman. 'No, i've just found out my youngest son is gay!' The following week he goes in the pub again, and asks for 6 double whiskys. 'You ok?' asks barman again. 'No, just found out my eldest son has turned gay as well!' Week after he returns to the pub and asks for 10 doubles. 'Fuck me,' says barman. 'Doesn't any of your family like fanny?' 'Yep,' he replies, 'My daughter'
Cant beat a sexist joke!..... Why do men like to be on the bottom during sex?
Because they only know how to fuck things up!!! Lol
Cat crawls out of the cat flap in the farmhouse door and falls straight into a puddle. The rooster falls off the fence laughing at the cat. Moral of the story? It only takes a wet pussy to make a cock happy!
Do u want to come to a charity do at the weekend, it's for women with no legs. The dance floor will be crawling with fanny.
Driving instructor says to a welsh farmer "Can you make a u-turn?" farmer replies "listen boyo...I can make its fucking eyes water if I go in dry!"
Had my annual health check today. Nurse told me i had to stop wanking. I asked why,and she said "because i'm trying to examine you"
Happy & Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said...
"Babe, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time."
She said ... "You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates."
I bought a deodorant stick today.i'd never used one b4,so i read the instructions carefully.it said"remove top and slowly push up bottom." I'm in casualty at the moment,but my farts smell lovely
I was hammered last night, went up to an attractive blonde at the bar and said "Duck my sick" she said "your pissed, you mean "suck my dick". I vomited all over her and said "no"
I've just found out, I can still have wild, athletic sex at 59 . I'm so happy cos I only live at 51 so it's not far to walk home......
Just heard Jonathan ross is leaving the bbc. I was wondering what you, your three mates and the piano are going to do?
