! IRISH JOKES ! IT'S ONLY A JOKES ! SEX JOKES ! NOT NICE JOKES BUT FUNNY !
! jokes !
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NOT NICE JOKES BUT FUNNY
3 nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. First nurse says cant let that go 2 waste and rides him. Second nurse does the same. Third nurse hesitates and says she is on her period but does him anyway. Then the man sits up and nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. Man replies saying he was but after 2 jump starts and a blood transfusion he feels better than ever!
Quentin and Jeremy, two gays, are at the zoo. When they come to the gorilla cage they notice one of the gorillas has a massive erection. Jeremy can't resist, he reaches through the bars and fondles the gorillas penis. Suddenly the gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and fucks him for 6 hours non-stop. When he's done the gorilla throws Jeremy out and an ambulance rushes him to hospital. Two days later Quentin visits him and asks: "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?!" Jeremy shouts "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't text..."
2 flies are having a race across Shaun Wright-Phillips' bottom lip, they both set off & when one got to the other side the other fly was already there waiting for him. "How did you get here so fucking quick"?, the losing fly asked, the winner replied "I took a short cut round the back of his head"
*GOOD NEWS* Call charges on your network are changing. The uglier you are the cheaper the calls. As from today your calls are FREE. I would have called you but calls cost me a Fuckin fortune now x
Woman goes into hospital 4 a vaginal flap operation. When she wakes up after the op, she sees 3 bunches of flowers. 1st has message from her surgeon "Op went well. Wishing u well" 2nd one was from her hubby, "Love u lots. Get well soon" 3rd one was from Billy in the burns unit "Thanx 4 the new ears"
Xmas in heaven shud be good this year. Patrick swayzes doing the dancing, farah forcetts the angel, steven gately is singing in the choir. Keith floyds doing the dinner. And michael jacksons playing with the kids!
Woman goes to the doctors with a black eye. She says, ''it's my husband, every time he's drunk, he beats me.'' Doctor tells her, ''the only cure is to hum. When he comes in ranting & raving, just hum away to yourself.'' She comes back two weeks later & says, ''Dr. that was a great idea, he hasn't hit me once.'' The Dr. replied, ''I thought keeping your mouth shut might help!''
A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some poison. The pharmacist asks, what do you want with poison?"
The lady says "To kill my husband.""I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her hanbag and pulls out a picture of her husband having batty sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription.
Woman goes to the doctors with a black eye. She says, ''it's my husband, every time he's drunk, he beats me.'' Doctor tells her, ''the only cure is to hum. When he comes in ranting & raving, just hum away to yourself.'' She comes back two weeks later & says, ''Dr. that was a great idea, he hasn't hit me once.''
The Dr. replied, ''I thought keeping your mouth shut might help!''
A man's wife hits him across the head. He says "Wot's that for?" She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".
Quick as a flash he says "thats the name of a horse i bet on today, u silly cow" - she apologises.
A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan! He says, "What the fuck was that for?". She replies, "Your fucking horse phoned!"
A message from www.Adultdate.com.
Your dating ad has been on our website for 9 years now without any reply.Do you want us to try 1 week without a picture
A lady sitting next to 2 italian men on bus,ignores them at first, but she starts 2 earwig when she hears one of them say the following: 'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'
The lady can't take this any more, she shouts 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig. In this country, we don't speak aloud in public about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi','
£10 says you're gonna read this again!
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... I can't take the fucking chance!!
A man gives blood 2 save his wife, later they split up. He says i want my blood back bitch, she throws him a tampon n says ill pay ya back monthly u bastard!
A man is queueing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of lager and an indian meal for 1. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a half bottle of Lambrini and a Chinese meal for 1. He says to her "you're single aren't you?" She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?" The man replies "coz you're an ugly Bitch.
A pharmasist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?"he asked his assistant."He came in 4 cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.""U fucking idiot" said the chemist "U can't treat a cough with laxatives""Of course u can" the assistant replied"Look at him,he daren't fucking cough now!
Dad cooks deer for kids tea but doesnt tell them what it is. He says "try and guess what it is, heres a clue its something your mother calls me" Little johnny says to his sister "Dont eat it - its a fuckin knob"
Dear Jordan, I am sure that very soon you will be needing some male company. I would love to fuck that tight ass and cum over those big fat tits, so as soon as you have a date, let me know and I will come round & look after Harvey. Regards Gary Glitter.
Dont be shocked but need 2 talk to u asap. Need your help badly, dont want anyone else to know. Im at millstreet garda station was caught drink driving. Urine sample positive. Ive stolen the sample. Now im being charged with taking the piss! ;-)
Forward this message to 10 people and you will get FUCK ALL. THAT'S RIGHT, FUCK ALL. YOU WON'T GET GOOD LUCK OR A NICE SURPRISE, 5 GRAND OR A FUCKIN HOLIDAY IN JAMAICA, JUST FUCK ALL..
It's true ...
It works ...
I sent it on & I got FUCK ALL. Don't break the chain! It's the only one of these fucking things that actually works! Send it and get fuck all, its brilliant!!
Got thrown out of a pub in Cumbria last night!. I only put Bridge over troubled water on the juke box!. Touchy fuckers
I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a stupid red outfit and embarrasing himself in front of thousands of people. I said '' Fuck off Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool.''
I went up to a bird in a bar the other night and thinking i was being dead smooth said "Is that a ladder in your stocking or is it a stairway to heaven ?" She immediately replied "Yeah it is a stairway to heaven, but i've already got a cunt up there, so fuck off"
I Wish U Peace, Love & Health, Blah Blah Blah, Fuck that Shit! I Wish U Lots Of Sex, Alcohol, Orgasms & Hope U win the fucking lottery.! :-) x
I'm glad simon cowell is doing a record for haiti victims, but "boom boom shake the room" seems fucking tactless to me !
Is it too early to ask whoopy goldburg if shes heard anything from patrick swayze?
The lady says "To kill my husband.""I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her hanbag and pulls out a picture of her husband having batty sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription.
Woman goes to the doctors with a black eye. She says, ''it's my husband, every time he's drunk, he beats me.'' Doctor tells her, ''the only cure is to hum. When he comes in ranting & raving, just hum away to yourself.'' She comes back two weeks later & says, ''Dr. that was a great idea, he hasn't hit me once.''
The Dr. replied, ''I thought keeping your mouth shut might help!''
A man's wife hits him across the head. He says "Wot's that for?" She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".
Quick as a flash he says "thats the name of a horse i bet on today, u silly cow" - she apologises.
A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan! He says, "What the fuck was that for?". She replies, "Your fucking horse phoned!"
A message from www.Adultdate.com.
Your dating ad has been on our website for 9 years now without any reply.Do you want us to try 1 week without a picture
A lady sitting next to 2 italian men on bus,ignores them at first, but she starts 2 earwig when she hears one of them say the following: 'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'
The lady can't take this any more, she shouts 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig. In this country, we don't speak aloud in public about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi','
£10 says you're gonna read this again!
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... I can't take the fucking chance!!
A man gives blood 2 save his wife, later they split up. He says i want my blood back bitch, she throws him a tampon n says ill pay ya back monthly u bastard!
A man is queueing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of lager and an indian meal for 1. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a half bottle of Lambrini and a Chinese meal for 1. He says to her "you're single aren't you?" She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?" The man replies "coz you're an ugly Bitch.
A pharmasist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?"he asked his assistant."He came in 4 cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.""U fucking idiot" said the chemist "U can't treat a cough with laxatives""Of course u can" the assistant replied"Look at him,he daren't fucking cough now!
Dad cooks deer for kids tea but doesnt tell them what it is. He says "try and guess what it is, heres a clue its something your mother calls me" Little johnny says to his sister "Dont eat it - its a fuckin knob"
Dear Jordan, I am sure that very soon you will be needing some male company. I would love to fuck that tight ass and cum over those big fat tits, so as soon as you have a date, let me know and I will come round & look after Harvey. Regards Gary Glitter.
Dont be shocked but need 2 talk to u asap. Need your help badly, dont want anyone else to know. Im at millstreet garda station was caught drink driving. Urine sample positive. Ive stolen the sample. Now im being charged with taking the piss! ;-)
Forward this message to 10 people and you will get FUCK ALL. THAT'S RIGHT, FUCK ALL. YOU WON'T GET GOOD LUCK OR A NICE SURPRISE, 5 GRAND OR A FUCKIN HOLIDAY IN JAMAICA, JUST FUCK ALL..
It's true ...
It works ...
I sent it on & I got FUCK ALL. Don't break the chain! It's the only one of these fucking things that actually works! Send it and get fuck all, its brilliant!!
Got thrown out of a pub in Cumbria last night!. I only put Bridge over troubled water on the juke box!. Touchy fuckers
I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a stupid red outfit and embarrasing himself in front of thousands of people. I said '' Fuck off Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool.''
I went up to a bird in a bar the other night and thinking i was being dead smooth said "Is that a ladder in your stocking or is it a stairway to heaven ?" She immediately replied "Yeah it is a stairway to heaven, but i've already got a cunt up there, so fuck off"
I Wish U Peace, Love & Health, Blah Blah Blah, Fuck that Shit! I Wish U Lots Of Sex, Alcohol, Orgasms & Hope U win the fucking lottery.! :-) x
I'm glad simon cowell is doing a record for haiti victims, but "boom boom shake the room" seems fucking tactless to me !
Is it too early to ask whoopy goldburg if shes heard anything from patrick swayze?
