! IRISH JOKES ! IT'S ONLY A JOKES ! SEX JOKES ! NOT NICE JOKES BUT FUNNY !
jokes
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JOKES
So not really on the same topic as your post, but I found this today and I just can’t resist sharing. Mrs. Agathe’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way…don’t worry about my Doberman. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!” When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
I've just put a deposit down on a new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook. I said 'I can't wait for the new 911' & now 4000 muslims have added me as a friend!
Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Rock, Little Bo Peep Was Suckin His Cock, As Soon As He Came She Started 2 Weep, She Knew By The Taste He'd Been Fuckin Her Sheep..!
2 blokes walking down the road, Bloke1: you are a cunt, you've always been a cunt and you always will be a cunt, everything about you makes you a cunt, an utter cunt and complete cunt. Infact if you entered a cunt competition you would come 2nd. Bloke2: why wouldn't I come first? Bloke1: Because you're a cunt!
"Breaking News" Iceland havent seen this much white dust since Kerry Katona was doing their advertising..
PROOF THAT MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS ; A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she'd slept at a friends house. Husband calls her ten best friends. None of them know anything about it. A Man didn't come home last night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. Wife calls his ten best friends. Eight confirm that he slept over, and two said he was still there!
Policeman says to paddy 'your dogs just been seen chasing someone on a bike'. Paddy says 'cant be my fucking dog, he cant ride a bike'
Old lady in department store lift. The doors open and 2 rich women step in. 1 rich woman says 2 the other "smell this... Christian dior! £50/oz". The other says "smell this... Chanel No.5! £60/oz". Old lady farts and says "Smell that? Brussel sprouts! 25p/lb"
NOW ON SALE AT IKEA - lesbian beds - No nuts or screwing involved. It's all tongue and groove
New Durex Condom Slogan's:
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Don't be a loner cover your boner
3. If you think she's spunky cover your monkey
4. Don't be a fool cover your tool
5. Wrap your bait before you mate
6. Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
7. Package your meat for a real nice treat
8. rap that wanger before you bang her
9. If your nude then tube your dude
10. Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
Did u know this messege cost 12p. This could have fed a muslim man in afghanistan for a whole day. Send this to 7 of your mates & starve the cunt for a week.
May the pride of england fill your anglo saxon heart with joy. Happy St Georges day. This txt not available in punjabi, urdu, hindi polish, russian, german, french or any other fuckin immigrant tongue. God save the queen.
Late news from world cup.brazil 2 meet argentina in capetown.spain 2meet Italy in johannasburg.england 2 meet france @ the airport
Just seen the line up for the next England game.
Benny Hill, Tommy Cooper & Bernard Manning up front.
Lenny Henry, Joe Pasqually & the Chuckle brothers in Mid field.Freddie Starr, Frank Carson & Captain Manwarring at the back. Roy Chubby Brown in goal.
Well if they lose, at least they'll get paid for taking the Piss
Just had a policeman at the door. He said "It looks like your wife's been in an accident".
I replied "Yeah I know, but she's got a lovely personality."
I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party. It's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than labour has done in the last 10 years.
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."Unbelievable what some people are into.
I tried to give raoul moat a lesson in gun saftey but it went in one ear and out the other.
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty bastard!' said the fairy.
I have major trouble pronouncing the word vuvuzela so I propose to change it to something easier to say like: Monkey trumpets, Coon horns, Nigger whistles, Wog sirens, Baboon basoons, Zulu kazoos, Spook flutes, Cannibal cornets or Jiggaboo digereedoos. Any other suggestions?
Breaking News! FIFA has decided that GIRLS should be GOALKEEPERS for the WORLD CUP because...
No matter how wide they open, they never let the balls go in!
I gave my wife an orgasm last night. Ungrateful bitch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . spat it out....
I found out last nite that my granny made a porno film back in 70's.
I dunno what disgusted me more, the fact she made it or the fact I carried on wankin[Receiving Text]
His & Hers diary page one, Saturday.
HERS.
He was quiet, subdued, just not himself. Something was wrong, He hasn't kissed me all night. Not even looked in my direction. I think it's another woman. I went to bed and cried. He followed me up later. I cuddled up to him and stroked his hair. He lay still. Eventually we made love and fell asleep in each others arms.
HIS:
England drew. gutted. Got a shag though.
Guy takes his bird home to meet his parents. He tells her "I must warn u, they're both deaf and dumb". They get there and walk into the living room, his mum has got a beer bottle up her fanny and the dad is sitting there with his nuts out and a matchstick propping one eye open. His bird says "Wat the fuck is this?" He replys "Oh its sign language, my mums saying "Get the beers in u cunt and dads saying "Bollox im
watching the match!"
FRIENDSHIP- NONE OF THAT SISSY CRAP.
1. When u r sad-- i will help u get drunk + plot revenge on the bastard who made u sad.
2. When u r blue-- i will try 2 dislodge whatever is choking u.
3. When u smile-- i will know ur thinking of something evil that i would probably want 2 be involved in
4. When u r sick- stay the fuck away from me until u r well again. I dont want it.
5. When u fall-- i will laugh at your clumsy arse, but i'll help u up when i can laugh no more.
6. This is my oath....'why?' Because u r my mate.
For sale genuine pair of world cup football boot's. No scuff marks never kicked a ball good as new. Contact wayne.rooney@useless fatfuck.com
For my sons Birthday we bought him an iPod, my daughter had an iPhone for hers and for my Birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad. Thinking along the same lines I got my wife an iRon - and then the fight started !
All future televised England matches have been moved to the Gay Adult channel. Apparently, the sight of 11 arseholes frequently getting hammered for 90 mins was far too explicit for normal tv!
A ventriloquist has his dummy on his knee,starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, ive heard enough of your fukn stupid blonde jokes! What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected! The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, you stay out of this! I am talking 2 the fukin wanker on ur knee!
Whats the definition of joyriding? Driving the hearse at a Pakis funeral!
Winter is here & our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow !
You know when your geting old...i was watching a porn last week and found myself thinking, fuck me,that bed looks comfy!
Susan Boyle has a photo shoot tomorrow for her new album. Simon Cowell wishes to improve her image by surrounding her with proper ugly bastards. The bus will pick you up at nine, try not to miss it, there's a tenner in it for you.
Since the wife went senile all she does is stare through the window... Maybe one day , if it's really fucking wet and cold, i'll let her in.
Rumour quickly spread in some Cumbrian towns that the flash floods yesterday had dredged up gold from the river beds. Locals in Cockermouth risked their lives panning in the fast flowing water but they only managed to find some copper!
Six truths of life.
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue
2. All halfwits after reading the first truth will try it.
3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now cos you're a nob.
5. You will soon forward this on to another nob.
6. There's still a daft smile on your face. Go on ya nob... send it on! :-)
Police have confirmed that Louis Walsh has recieved a letter saying that for every week those fuckin twins stay in x factor, one member of boyzone will die.
One of life's great mysteries- why is it that a woman can fit a twelve inch vibrator into her half inch fanny IN THE DARK.......but she is unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT!
!
One day God created Man, he looked at his creation and thought 'perfect'! The followin day he created Woman, he took one look and thought 'fuck me that'll have to wear make up'
Need cheering up? Watch your wedding video backwards - you'll fucking love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks down the aisle, jumps in the car and fucks off!
Man says to wife "You're the double of Cheryl Cole." She said "Do you think so?" He says "Aye, She's 8 stone and you're 16 stone you fat cunt!
Man drivin down road. Woman drivin up same road.They pass each other.Man shouts out window FUCKIN BIG FAT COW Woman yells out window PRICK! Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and dies. Moral of the story? If only women would fuckin listen
LONELY HEARTS ADS - WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
ADVENTUROUS = Likes anal.
ATHLETIC = No tits.
30-SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying.
WILD = Gets pissed easily.
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog.
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husband is a fuckin nutter.
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny.
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative.
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic.
CURVY = Fat cunt.
CUDDLY = Fat cunt.
LIKES EATING OUT = Lazy fat cunt.
Just seen a bloke in a wheelchair, he had no legs, one arm, one ear and one eye, he was shouting and swearing, I thought, fuck me, he aint all there.....
Jon venables new identity has been revealed. He is now known as Mr Patel. If u know anyone with this name kick the fuck out of him just in case it is him
Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip. They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman serves them and asks"You guys been on vacation yet?""We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."Barman says "Englands great. the culture, history, the queen"Jeff replies "We don't go for that shit, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the fucking car."
I applied 4 a job in a mental hospital... They said i need 24 hrs of experince with a retard... U wana chill tomorrow? I got crayons
And it was at this time during the darkest days of christianity that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body he looked down wearily at his 12 apostles and speaking softly with his last gasping breath, said unto them. . . . . .
Dont touch my fuckin eastereggs, i'll be back on monday!
A cow, an ant and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. Cow: "I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!"
Ant: "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!"Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn now--- Say something!!!
A Dwarf couple who work in a Circus are having a Baby. They go to the Doctors for a check up and the Doctor says "Everything's fine, tell me, what do you want, a boy or a girl?" Guy says, "We don't really give a fuck as long as it fits in a Cannon!"
A female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of a sore fanny. Doctor gets some scissors out and snips around a bit. Dwarf says thats good it feels much better what av u done? Doctor says i've trimmed the top off your wellies!
A woman comes home & finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You bastard! You promised you wouldn't cheat on me again!" The husband replies, "for fuck sake! Give me a break, can't you see I'm trying to cut down!"
Paddy caught his wife having an affair, so decided to kill her & himself. He puts a gun to his head, looks at wife & says "don't laugh, u r fucking next"
.A very drunk Paddy met a prostitute up a dark alley. He ask 'How much for full sex?', '£20' she replies, 'Ok' says Paddy and they get down to business.
Next min a cop appears and shines his torch in their faces, 'Wots goin on ere then' he asks,'nothing Officer, I'm just having sex with my wife.', 'sorry Sir', apologises the cop, ' I didn't know it was your wife',Paddy shouts 'Neither did I till you shone your fuckin torch in her face
Paddys struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says "hey paddy why don't ya get mick to help" paddy says "he's inside carrying the clothes"
Got a chinese last night. On way home in the car I heard the bag rustle. I looked over seen a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me then dissapear back inside. I was so scared i nearly crashed i looked again saw the eyes looking at me then dissapear, i went straight back to the shop wiv the bag terrified. i asked the chinese guy "wat the fucks goin on u chinky bastard"? He said "u no worry, it peking duck"!!
Paddy is on death row gets the chance to be shot, hung or injected with the aids virus.
He says "Give me that aids stuff."
They inject him & he rolls round the floor laughing.
The warden says "What's so funny?"
Paddy says "I'm wearing a condom!"
2 irish couples decide to swap partners for the night .after 3 hours of amazing sex paddy says i wonder how the girls are gettin on ?
2 lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house - Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down!" says Paddy. "You bloody fool," replies Murphy "Save 'em for the ceiling!!"
:-)Paddy on a bus when a young blonde starts breastfeeding her baby,"come on eat up or i'll give it to that man over there." 10 minutes later shes still trying to feed the baby and says,"come on or mummy will give it to that man over there." paddy looks over and says,"For fucks sake missus,will you make your fucking mind up, I should've got off 3 stops
Are you ok? Ring me asap! I just seen a special needs bus flip over! And I know you don't like wearing your helmet as it stops you from licking the windows!
Been arrested three times this week for knocking the fuck out of the wife... Copper said "Why do you keep beating her?" ..I replied " Its probably because I have a significant weight advantage, better reach and fancy footwork".
Christmas in Heaven should be good this year: Patrick Swayze's doing the dancing, Farah Fawcett is one of the angels, Steven Gately is singing in the choir, Keith Floyd's cooking the dinner and Michael Jackson's playing with the kids.
Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstacy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum'.
FW: Monks A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you because you're not a monk. The man says,
Harley Davidson died and went to heaven. He started boasting to God how he'd created the best motorcycle the world had ever seen. God disagreed saying BMW's were a better designed bike. Harley said: "What the fuck do you know about design? You created woman and look at the problems we have with them!" "Well excuse me," says God "But i think you'll find a lot more men are riding my fucking creation than yours!
Im starting that cage fighting. Ive got my first fight next week if u fancy coming........ That budgie's not gonna know whats fuckin hit it
Just heard on the news that someone checked into the psycho ward wearing a thong & riding a goat. I'll come & get you this time but thisshit has got to stop
Need cheering up? Watch your wedding video backwards - you'll fucking love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks down the aisle, jumps in the car and fucks off!
Man says to wife "You're the double of Cheryl Cole." She said "Do you think so?" He says "Aye, She's 8 stone and you're 16 stone you fat cunt!
Man drivin down road. Woman drivin up same road.They pass each other.Man shouts out window FUCKIN BIG FAT COW Woman yells out window PRICK! Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and dies. Moral of the story? If only women would fuckin listen
LONELY HEARTS ADS - WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
ADVENTUROUS = Likes anal.
ATHLETIC = No tits.
30-SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying.
WILD = Gets pissed easily.
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog.
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husband is a fuckin nutter.
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny.
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative.
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic.
CURVY = Fat cunt.
CUDDLY = Fat cunt.
LIKES EATING OUT = Lazy fat cunt.
Just seen a bloke in a wheelchair, he had no legs, one arm, one ear and one eye, he was shouting and swearing, I thought, fuck me, he aint all there.....
Jon venables new identity has been revealed. He is now known as Mr Patel. If u know anyone with this name kick the fuck out of him just in case it is him
Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip. They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman serves them and asks"You guys been on vacation yet?""We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."Barman says "Englands great. the culture, history, the queen"Jeff replies "We don't go for that shit, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the fucking car."
I applied 4 a job in a mental hospital... They said i need 24 hrs of experince with a retard... U wana chill tomorrow? I got crayons
And it was at this time during the darkest days of christianity that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body he looked down wearily at his 12 apostles and speaking softly with his last gasping breath, said unto them. . . . . .
Dont touch my fuckin eastereggs, i'll be back on monday!
A cow, an ant and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. Cow: "I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!"
Ant: "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!"Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn now--- Say something!!!
A Dwarf couple who work in a Circus are having a Baby. They go to the Doctors for a check up and the Doctor says "Everything's fine, tell me, what do you want, a boy or a girl?" Guy says, "We don't really give a fuck as long as it fits in a Cannon!"
A female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of a sore fanny. Doctor gets some scissors out and snips around a bit. Dwarf says thats good it feels much better what av u done? Doctor says i've trimmed the top off your wellies!
A woman comes home & finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You bastard! You promised you wouldn't cheat on me again!" The husband replies, "for fuck sake! Give me a break, can't you see I'm trying to cut down!"
Paddy caught his wife having an affair, so decided to kill her & himself. He puts a gun to his head, looks at wife & says "don't laugh, u r fucking next"
.A very drunk Paddy met a prostitute up a dark alley. He ask 'How much for full sex?', '£20' she replies, 'Ok' says Paddy and they get down to business.
Next min a cop appears and shines his torch in their faces, 'Wots goin on ere then' he asks,'nothing Officer, I'm just having sex with my wife.', 'sorry Sir', apologises the cop, ' I didn't know it was your wife',Paddy shouts 'Neither did I till you shone your fuckin torch in her face
Paddys struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says "hey paddy why don't ya get mick to help" paddy says "he's inside carrying the clothes"
Got a chinese last night. On way home in the car I heard the bag rustle. I looked over seen a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me then dissapear back inside. I was so scared i nearly crashed i looked again saw the eyes looking at me then dissapear, i went straight back to the shop wiv the bag terrified. i asked the chinese guy "wat the fucks goin on u chinky bastard"? He said "u no worry, it peking duck"!!
Paddy is on death row gets the chance to be shot, hung or injected with the aids virus.
He says "Give me that aids stuff."
They inject him & he rolls round the floor laughing.
The warden says "What's so funny?"
Paddy says "I'm wearing a condom!"
2 irish couples decide to swap partners for the night .after 3 hours of amazing sex paddy says i wonder how the girls are gettin on ?
2 lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house - Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down!" says Paddy. "You bloody fool," replies Murphy "Save 'em for the ceiling!!"
:-)Paddy on a bus when a young blonde starts breastfeeding her baby,"come on eat up or i'll give it to that man over there." 10 minutes later shes still trying to feed the baby and says,"come on or mummy will give it to that man over there." paddy looks over and says,"For fucks sake missus,will you make your fucking mind up, I should've got off 3 stops
Are you ok? Ring me asap! I just seen a special needs bus flip over! And I know you don't like wearing your helmet as it stops you from licking the windows!
Been arrested three times this week for knocking the fuck out of the wife... Copper said "Why do you keep beating her?" ..I replied " Its probably because I have a significant weight advantage, better reach and fancy footwork".
Christmas in Heaven should be good this year: Patrick Swayze's doing the dancing, Farah Fawcett is one of the angels, Steven Gately is singing in the choir, Keith Floyd's cooking the dinner and Michael Jackson's playing with the kids.
Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstacy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum'.
FW: Monks A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you because you're not a monk. The man says,
Harley Davidson died and went to heaven. He started boasting to God how he'd created the best motorcycle the world had ever seen. God disagreed saying BMW's were a better designed bike. Harley said: "What the fuck do you know about design? You created woman and look at the problems we have with them!" "Well excuse me," says God "But i think you'll find a lot more men are riding my fucking creation than yours!
Im starting that cage fighting. Ive got my first fight next week if u fancy coming........ That budgie's not gonna know whats fuckin hit it
Just heard on the news that someone checked into the psycho ward wearing a thong & riding a goat. I'll come & get you this time but thisshit has got to stop
